We danced at the bar and exchanged numbers, meeting a few days later for our first date. She was 33, experienced and I was attracted to her confidence. We were pretty much inseparable and did everything together. With men, I was lucky to swipe right once every 40 photos. By lunchtime, I had decided that I am straight with exceptions. We were very good friends, and her boyfriend was my close friend.
My swiping-but-not-talking phase lasted a month until, after encouragement from some work friends, I agreed to meet one guy for a drink. The didn't really end up being very threesome-ish, as we kind of just took turns in the end—but it was pretty exciting to experience a woman's body for the first time. Friday night, and I'm two hours, four cocktails and three intense kisses into my first-ever date with a woman. Nobody offered to send me dick pics straight away. She wore a striped t-shirt paired with ripped jeans and a brown, perfectly quaffed Mohawk. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Condé Nast. The first women I ever fell in love with, I made all the first moves.
It didn't really do anything for me. But then, she popped the question. When I did finally open up to a few close friends, they were shocked but also proud of me, and I loved that. The break-up was excruciating - I loved him very much - but necessary. A month into my 'Women Only' mission, I matched with a girl called Nikky. At first, it reminded me that there were people who could fancy me. Her body, gently trembling to the feel of my fingertips running down her offering neck.
I knew early on that our friendship was different because we were always pretty physical and it always felt so good and familiar. After that, we moved forward and I knew this was something that I really wanted to do. I was working for a non-profit as a clinician and I would go into the community to meet with the children we served. Despite the sloppy dance moves she still asked me for my number! Our hands and lips and bodies were all over each other. Some women had a super vulnerable and intimate first time with their teenage best friend.
I announced that I had no underwear on under my leggings and proceeded to lie across her lap, bottom up. She was 30, half-Spanish, half-Australian with green eyes and rapid-fire banter, but after three days she simply vanished, and I never heard from her again. Then there was Cassie, 28, with long dark hair, twice as curvy as me, twice as confident and a total dream. It's something I'd do again, if the timing was right. Kissing and touching her made me feel things I had never felt in my life.
Some names have been changed. She was already there when I arrived, sitting on a black velvet seat in the back corner of the bar, and wearing the tight black dress from her photo. Wanted her to think I was cool and experienced. This is exactly what I felt at that moment, and throughout our time on the floor and the couch and the rug, there was not one time that I was fantasizing of anything, I was completely present in that moment. I knew I liked girls a lot and I was scared to ever do anything more than kiss a guy. I didn't want to be that girl - mainly because the guy wasn't my type - but it suddenly occurred to me that I could use Tinder to curate my fantasy of sleeping with a woman. We were drunk and complimentary.
We did the typical first date things and I got a little drunk. I still fantasise about women. . I was battling with myself about why I even wanted to do it. I loved experiencing that moment with someone who cared about me so deeply. This was all too much to think about all at once so I went to breakfast with my floormates to clear my head.
I remember seeing an episode of the Brady Brunch, where Peter kissed a girl for the first time; fireworks were shown across the screen. That was my secret for years - and I liked it that way. I tried to imitate what I knew felt good on me, and it was received pretty well. However, I am attracted to females, as well. When I got back to my room, though, I had a lot of thinking to do. We spent a good amount of time stuck in positions and trying to figure out what felt good, where. All of those years I knew something was missing and had a lot of unfulfilling sex.
Either way, sleeping with Nikky changed me. Then she arched one eyebrow, stood up, insisted on paying for our drinks and pulled me out onto the street. But, could I handle the world knowing this about me? It's never been about a specific person; more just fleeting fantasies about strangers. I knew of this girl who lived in the same town as me but we never met and we started the talking through Instagram. She greeted me with a firm handshake and I found myself not wanting to let go. To this day, I love discovering how different every woman is.